God to Publish Again

LOS ANGELES - God, best-selling author and supreme deity, announced at a press conference today His plans to come out with a “major new book,” RK Media Report learned today. Held at the Beverly Hills Hotel in Beverly Hills, California, the press conference attracted attention from both the publishing world and the global public.

God stated that after, “a period of dormancy” during which He published only periodically under pseudonyms He was ready to, “clarify some things and add to my body of work and publish under my real name, The One True God.” When asked about His previous bestsellers, the Torah and the Quran, God said that He was “still very pleased with them. They’re obviously close to my heart, they sell well and I‘m happy for all those who’ve taken comfort in those words and who pray to Me everyday because of those books.” When asked if the new book would be a sequel to those, He said, “I can’t ignore them, certainly, but there are a number of issues to be dealt with which neither of those books adequately address.” He said that, “senseless violence” would be a primary topic for His new book but He did not elaborate. Asked when the new book would be finished, God said only, “soon.”

Questions about the Christian New Testament were deflected, “I didn’t write it,” God said. “It was a collaborative effort by a very talented group of men, but I didn’t write it.” When asked by a reporter from Daily Variety if He had even read the Christian Bible, God added, “no comment.”

The conference lasted only seven minutes, but has created violent tremors in the publishing world. Bertelsmann is reportedly offering a ledger-clearing eleven-figure advance for any new work by The One True God. Even small imprints such as Green Integer have put offers on the table. “This will be a real career-maker for a few lucky people,” one unnamed industry source said.

A spokesman for Oprah Winfrey said, “this is the kind of book she [Ms. Winfrey]’s always wanted,” giving rise to rumors of re-birth for Oprah’s influential Book Club. The obligatory appearance by God on the Oprah Winfrey Show would be a coup even for show biz power-monger Oprah.

The One True God is not currently repped.


-- Correspondent Augustine R.