Jack v. Chuck

- When Jack Bauer was a child, he made his mother finish his vegetables.

- If Jack Bauer was in a room with Hitler, Stalin, and Nina Meyers, and he had a gun with 2 bullets, he'd shoot Nina twice.

- Jack Bauer did better than Zack Morris on his SATs... he got a 1503.

- Jack Bauer won the Tour de France on a unicycle to prove to Lance Armstrong it wasn't a big deal. He thinks yellow wristbands are gay.

- If you wake up in the morning, it's because Jack Bauer spared your life.

- Upon hearing that he was played by Kiefer Sutherland, Jack Bauer killed Sutherland. Jack Bauer gets played by no man.

- Jack Bauer's calendar goes from March 31st to April 2nd, no one fools Jack Bauer.

- Every mathematical inequality officially ends with "< Jack Bauer".

- Superman wears Jack Bauer pajamas.

- Jack Bauer once forgot where he put his keys. He then spent the next half-hour torturing himself until he gave up the location of the keys.

- If it tastes like chicken, looks like chicken, and feels like chicken, but Jack Bauer says its beef. Then it's freakin beef.

- Jack Bauer once double teamed a girl.. by himself.

- 1.6 billion Chinese are angry with Jack Bauer. Sounds like a fair fight.

- Lets get one thing straight, the only reason you are conscious right now is because Jack Bauer does not feel like carrying you.

- Jack Bauer was never addicted to heroin. Heroin was addicted to Jack Bauer.

- Jack Bauer played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.

- Jack Bauer is the leading cause of death in Middle Eastern men.

- When life gave Jack Bauer lemons, he used them to kill terrorists. Jack Bauer hates lemonade.

- Osama bin Laden's recent proposal for truce is a direct result of him finding out that Jack Bauer is, in fact, still alive.

- If you spell Jack Bauer in a Scrabble game, you win. Forever.

- Jack Bauer once won a game of Connect 4 in 3 moves.

- Jack Bauer doesn't miss. If he didn't hit you it's because he was shooting at another terrorist twelve miles away.

- Jack Bauer killed 93 people in just 4 days time. Wait, that is a real fact.

- Jack Bauer once killed so many terrorists that at one point, the #5 CIA Most Wanted fugitive was an 18-year-old teenager in Malaysia who downloaded the movie Dodgeball.

- What color is Jack Bauer's blood? Trick question. Jack Bauer does not bleed.

- You can lead a horse to water. Jack Bauer can make him drink.

- Jack Bauer's favorite color is severe terror alert red. His second favorite color is violet, but just because it sounds like violent.

- When you open a can of whoop-a**, Jack Bauer jumps out.

- Simon Says should be renamed to Jack Bauer Says because if Jack Bauer says
something then you better do it.

- Killing Jack Bauer doesn't make him dead. It just makes him angry.

- If Rosa Parks was in Jack Bauer's seat, she'd move to the back of the bus.

- When Google can't find something, it asks Jack Bauer for help.

- Jack Bauer does the Sunday New York Times Crossword Puzzle in ink.

- Sun Tzu once wrote, "If your enemy is weaker, conquer him. If he is stronger, join him. If he is Jack Bauer, you're dead."

- Most children slept with a teddy bear and blanket when they were young, Jack Bauer did the same thing but with a real bear.

- Jack Bauer can get McDonald's breakfast after 10:30.

- Jesus died and rose from the dead in 3 days. It took Jack Bauer less than an hour. And he's done it twice.

- In kindergarten, Jack Bauer killed a terrorist for Show and Tell.

- When the boogie man goes to sleep, he checks his closet for Jack Bauer.

- In 96 hours, Jack Bauer has killed 93 people and saved the world 4 times. What have you done with your life?

- Jack Bauer got Hellen Keller to talk.

- Jack Bauer once killed a group of Samurai Warriors with only a ball point pen. This lead to the phrase "The pen is mightier than the sword."

- Your attraction to Jack Bauer in no way affects your sexual orientation.

- It would only take 1 bullet for Jack Bauer to kill 50 Cent.

- People with amnesia still remember Jack Bauer.

- Jack Bauer has been to Mars. Thats why there's no life on Mars.

- When Jack Bauer watches a pot, it boils immediately.

- Jack Bauer once ate an entire bottle of sleeping pills. They made him blink.

- Guns dont kill people, Jack Bauer kills people.

- If Jack and MacGyver were locked in a room together, Jack would make a bomb out of MacGyver and get out.

- If Jack Bauer was gay, his name would be Chuck Norris.

- Jack Bauer literally died for his country, and lived to tell about it.

- Jack Bauer once bowled a 301.

- Jack Bauer can hit two birds with no stones.

- Jack Bauer's family threw him a surprise birthday party when he was a child. Once.

- Jack Bauer doesn't play the game SORRY. Jack Bauer apologizes to no one.

- Jack Bauer makes onions cry.

-Vic Mackey suck Jacks balls.

- Jack Bauer played eighteen holes of golf. He scored a seventeen.


conclusion - Jack Bauer is the master

(Thanks Ben and all the folks at http://www.chucknorrisfacts.com/ who got this out of China!)