OMG

It's cloudy. Nice.

So Long, Hello

So many people changing.

Chris Kamen is...

The Vanilla Gorilla





Chris Kamen is the Vanilla Gorilla.

Sarcasm

I have only sarcasm left in my quiver when talking about the screwed up political situation in the United States right now.

"Thank God major combat operations are over with."

"I'm glad we have Republicans in office. They may be greedy, but at least they know how to balance the nation's checkbook."

"How can you not trust the administration? These aren't the kind of men (and women) who act against the interest of the American people."

"I just thank my lucky stars every day that we have a government that respects the Constitution as much as this one does."

In other news, I am starting a new script. It's kind of like building a jet or an aircraft carrier. It takes a long time. Except that after I build it I have to take it apart and put it together again. So it's like building a jet or an aircraft carrier out of Lego Brand building blocks.

Pax Republicana

Just imagine everything you watch on the news blazoned with the motto: Pax Republicana.

Jack v. Chuck

- When Jack Bauer was a child, he made his mother finish his vegetables.

- If Jack Bauer was in a room with Hitler, Stalin, and Nina Meyers, and he had a gun with 2 bullets, he'd shoot Nina twice.

- Jack Bauer did better than Zack Morris on his SATs... he got a 1503.

- Jack Bauer won the Tour de France on a unicycle to prove to Lance Armstrong it wasn't a big deal. He thinks yellow wristbands are gay.

- If you wake up in the morning, it's because Jack Bauer spared your life.

- Upon hearing that he was played by Kiefer Sutherland, Jack Bauer killed Sutherland. Jack Bauer gets played by no man.

- Jack Bauer's calendar goes from March 31st to April 2nd, no one fools Jack Bauer.

- Every mathematical inequality officially ends with "< Jack Bauer".

- Superman wears Jack Bauer pajamas.

- Jack Bauer once forgot where he put his keys. He then spent the next half-hour torturing himself until he gave up the location of the keys.

- If it tastes like chicken, looks like chicken, and feels like chicken, but Jack Bauer says its beef. Then it's freakin beef.

- Jack Bauer once double teamed a girl.. by himself.

- 1.6 billion Chinese are angry with Jack Bauer. Sounds like a fair fight.

- Lets get one thing straight, the only reason you are conscious right now is because Jack Bauer does not feel like carrying you.

- Jack Bauer was never addicted to heroin. Heroin was addicted to Jack Bauer.

- Jack Bauer played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.

- Jack Bauer is the leading cause of death in Middle Eastern men.

- When life gave Jack Bauer lemons, he used them to kill terrorists. Jack Bauer hates lemonade.

- Osama bin Laden's recent proposal for truce is a direct result of him finding out that Jack Bauer is, in fact, still alive.

- If you spell Jack Bauer in a Scrabble game, you win. Forever.

- Jack Bauer once won a game of Connect 4 in 3 moves.

- Jack Bauer doesn't miss. If he didn't hit you it's because he was shooting at another terrorist twelve miles away.

- Jack Bauer killed 93 people in just 4 days time. Wait, that is a real fact.

- Jack Bauer once killed so many terrorists that at one point, the #5 CIA Most Wanted fugitive was an 18-year-old teenager in Malaysia who downloaded the movie Dodgeball.

- What color is Jack Bauer's blood? Trick question. Jack Bauer does not bleed.

- You can lead a horse to water. Jack Bauer can make him drink.

- Jack Bauer's favorite color is severe terror alert red. His second favorite color is violet, but just because it sounds like violent.

- When you open a can of whoop-a**, Jack Bauer jumps out.

- Simon Says should be renamed to Jack Bauer Says because if Jack Bauer says
something then you better do it.

- Killing Jack Bauer doesn't make him dead. It just makes him angry.

- If Rosa Parks was in Jack Bauer's seat, she'd move to the back of the bus.

- When Google can't find something, it asks Jack Bauer for help.

- Jack Bauer does the Sunday New York Times Crossword Puzzle in ink.

- Sun Tzu once wrote, "If your enemy is weaker, conquer him. If he is stronger, join him. If he is Jack Bauer, you're dead."

- Most children slept with a teddy bear and blanket when they were young, Jack Bauer did the same thing but with a real bear.

- Jack Bauer can get McDonald's breakfast after 10:30.

- Jesus died and rose from the dead in 3 days. It took Jack Bauer less than an hour. And he's done it twice.

- In kindergarten, Jack Bauer killed a terrorist for Show and Tell.

- When the boogie man goes to sleep, he checks his closet for Jack Bauer.

- In 96 hours, Jack Bauer has killed 93 people and saved the world 4 times. What have you done with your life?

- Jack Bauer got Hellen Keller to talk.

- Jack Bauer once killed a group of Samurai Warriors with only a ball point pen. This lead to the phrase "The pen is mightier than the sword."

- Your attraction to Jack Bauer in no way affects your sexual orientation.

- It would only take 1 bullet for Jack Bauer to kill 50 Cent.

- People with amnesia still remember Jack Bauer.

- Jack Bauer has been to Mars. Thats why there's no life on Mars.

- When Jack Bauer watches a pot, it boils immediately.

- Jack Bauer once ate an entire bottle of sleeping pills. They made him blink.

- Guns dont kill people, Jack Bauer kills people.

- If Jack and MacGyver were locked in a room together, Jack would make a bomb out of MacGyver and get out.

- If Jack Bauer was gay, his name would be Chuck Norris.

- Jack Bauer literally died for his country, and lived to tell about it.

- Jack Bauer once bowled a 301.

- Jack Bauer can hit two birds with no stones.

- Jack Bauer's family threw him a surprise birthday party when he was a child. Once.

- Jack Bauer doesn't play the game SORRY. Jack Bauer apologizes to no one.

- Jack Bauer makes onions cry.

-Vic Mackey suck Jacks balls.

- Jack Bauer played eighteen holes of golf. He scored a seventeen.


conclusion - Jack Bauer is the master

(Thanks Ben and all the folks at http://www.chucknorrisfacts.com/ who got this out of China!)

Hey, Dick - part II

So rumors behind the Attempted Murder Scandal are:

1. Dick Cheney was drunk/stoned when he shot his hunting partner.

2. Dick Cheney was with his lover, the ambassador to Switzerland, when he shot his hunting partner.

3. Dick Cheney was drunk/stoned and with his lover, the ambassador to Switzerland, when he shot his hunting partner.

I dreamt last night that I visited my childhood bookself – I mean bookshelf. Wow. That’s was a weird typo.

I haven’t done any writing since the middle of December. That’s a really long time for me. It’s not atypical, I guess. Every year I seem to have a period where I stop for a while. Usually after a particularly fertile period. I remember being so motivated and full of energy in December, but now, all my thoughts are gone. I can’t remember what changes I wanted to make to the script I want to work on. Inertia has come and pressed its sticky thumb down on my brain. What to work on…? Funny, how at one time it was obvious to me what to work on and if anything I had too many ideas, but now they have all gone. But I am at least beginning again to follow the time honored formula for success:
butt + chair = writing .

I want to follow the dream thread from a moment ago. It had been my desire for a year or two now (since I left Barnes & Noble) to open my own bookstore. And in the best tradition of catering to the market, I’d call it Required Reading and stock mostly children’s and young adult books from middle and high school students required reading lists. We’d have stacks of Salinger and Aristotle and Shakespeare and Cisneros and Hesiod. Maybe not Hesiod. Anyway, with low overhead, it could be do-able and profitable. Especially around here with all the many private schools and obsessions the local parents have with education. We’d carry some other books as well, mostly young adult and those books popular with the kids. Maybe a little place to hang out. A small newsstand… Ah… Fun.

Hey Dick, Shoot Anybody in the Face Lately?

http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/cheney_hunting_accident

He's just living the dream. He's gathered so much power to himself that now he's blowing guys away just for the fun of it. Awsome.

Here's my Sundance post. A bit late.

Above you can see a photo from Sundance. This photo will serve as a representation of the three days/nights DS and me spent there. It's blurry because we didn't get any sleep. There are no ladies in the picture because we are both married. There was a big head in the shot because it was really very croweded. There is Sam Shepard in the picture because I drank every night (Although not too much and not really every night. In fact only one night, now that I think about it.). The other fellows in the photo are Wim Wenders, Harry Dean Stanton, and the guy (now grown) who played the kid in Paris, Texas.

To the right you can see my updated list of films. I think you can figure out what I saw there. Probably you will have heard of This Film.... It's good in that sloppy Michael Moore sort of way. Oh, you'll be shocked! Shocked! Really. You will be shocked. ...Seasame Street will make you quit your self-serving day job and force you into the non-profit child saving sector. I really liked it. DS and I went to a party hosted by the people who made Flannel Pajamas. Buy me a drink and I'll tell you about the party. Ask about the bloody girl playing the guitar.

Overall, I got 10 hours sleep over three nights. Yeah.

New Post

This is a picture of Ganesha. He's the remover of obstacles. He removes obstacles to success and fortune.



Go Ganesha, go!

Picture him sweeping away doubt and hesitance in the minds of all those development executives. Sweep Ganesha, sweep! Picture him guiding the hands of the lawyers drawing up the contracts. Guide Ganesha, guide! Ganesha delivers six figure deals to those who are kind. Thank you, Ganesha.

The Monkey, the Turkey, and the Wagon

So, I haven't written anything since before Christmas. There are many people and animals to blame for that. I blame Internets. Bastard. I blame this blog. I blame work. And the YMCA. I also blame the internet and email. I blame malaise. I blame Sundance and Sandow. I blame the winds at night and the roiling sea. I blame the doubt and the worry that come in the dark. I blame France and the President and the Vice President and the Democratic Party. I blame the English language. I blame a watch in my car and milk and Ganesh and Durga. Oh god and so much more. There is so much blame to go around.

Now what/who do I thank for support and encouragement?

I thank Sweetie. I thank golf. I thank Otto, Dottie, and Spooky P. I thank Elton Brand. (But I do blame Mark Madsen!) I thank Steve and Suzanne. I thank the Culver City Dynamic Duo. And I thank all my folks on the east side of the LA river. And my Santa Monica and Mid-Wilshire peeps. I thank all living beings and I thank all non-living beings. And I also must thank all non-beings (living or non-living). Thank you. Your support has not gone unnoticed. The work will continue soon. Not today. But soon.

Peace to all beings and non-beings.

Chuck

1. Chuck Norris’ tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.
2. Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
3. Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are
trademarked names for his left and right legs.
4. The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.
5. If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can’t see Chuck
Norris, you may be only seconds away from death.
6. Chuck Norris has counted to infinity. Twice.
7. Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting infers the
probability of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.
8. Chuck Norris is 1/8th Cherokee. This has nothing to do with ancestry, the man ate a fucking Indian.
9. In fine print on the last page of the Guinness Book of World Records it notes that all world records are held by Chuck Norris, and those listed in the book are simply the closest anyone else has ever gotten.
10. There is no chin behind Chuck Norris’ beard. There is only another fist.
11. There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck Norris allows to live.
12. When Chuck Norris goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and instead requests a hand gun and a bucket.
13. Crop circles are Chuck Norris’ way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie the fuck down.
14. Chuck Norris doesn’t churn butter. He roundhouse kicks the cows and the butter comes straight out.
15. If you say Chuck Norris’ name in Mongolia, the people there will roundhouse kick you in his honor.

Thanks to Chander and the many Bothans who died to bring us this...

P.S. Don't forget to Ask Internets .

Winter, Sun

Looking out the window next to the desk where I write, I see a young oak tree across the street. Formerly proud, now after a day of rain he is barren - leafless. But he'll be back.

Now for some real news. I'm going to the Sundance film festival. I wanted to go, but I didn't want to go alone. A month ago I asked a friend of mine if he was going and he was all like, "No. Probably not." So it looked like I wasn't going. Then last week he called me up and said,"Did you still want to go to Sundance?" I was all like,"You bet." So we booked the flights and hooked up some floor space with a fellow that we know who will also be going. It's a "bring sleeping bags" sort of scenario. I am looking forward to it. Mostly I'm going to a) hustle Sandow, b) meet people, and c) see movies. I'm looking forward to it.

The sun is coming back after a gloomy day. Hopefully, I'll be able to get some golf in tomorrow.

Peace.

P.S. Check out the New Feature on the sidebar. I'm keeping track of all the Books, Films and Videos that I watch this year. I'm working right now on reading the Culture sci-fi novels of Iain M. Banks.