Hey, Dick - part II

So rumors behind the Attempted Murder Scandal are:

1. Dick Cheney was drunk/stoned when he shot his hunting partner.

2. Dick Cheney was with his lover, the ambassador to Switzerland, when he shot his hunting partner.

3. Dick Cheney was drunk/stoned and with his lover, the ambassador to Switzerland, when he shot his hunting partner.

I dreamt last night that I visited my childhood bookself – I mean bookshelf. Wow. That’s was a weird typo.

I haven’t done any writing since the middle of December. That’s a really long time for me. It’s not atypical, I guess. Every year I seem to have a period where I stop for a while. Usually after a particularly fertile period. I remember being so motivated and full of energy in December, but now, all my thoughts are gone. I can’t remember what changes I wanted to make to the script I want to work on. Inertia has come and pressed its sticky thumb down on my brain. What to work on…? Funny, how at one time it was obvious to me what to work on and if anything I had too many ideas, but now they have all gone. But I am at least beginning again to follow the time honored formula for success:
butt + chair = writing .

I want to follow the dream thread from a moment ago. It had been my desire for a year or two now (since I left Barnes & Noble) to open my own bookstore. And in the best tradition of catering to the market, I’d call it Required Reading and stock mostly children’s and young adult books from middle and high school students required reading lists. We’d have stacks of Salinger and Aristotle and Shakespeare and Cisneros and Hesiod. Maybe not Hesiod. Anyway, with low overhead, it could be do-able and profitable. Especially around here with all the many private schools and obsessions the local parents have with education. We’d carry some other books as well, mostly young adult and those books popular with the kids. Maybe a little place to hang out. A small newsstand… Ah… Fun.

Hey Dick, Shoot Anybody in the Face Lately?

http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/cheney_hunting_accident

He's just living the dream. He's gathered so much power to himself that now he's blowing guys away just for the fun of it. Awsome.

Here's my Sundance post. A bit late.

Above you can see a photo from Sundance. This photo will serve as a representation of the three days/nights DS and me spent there. It's blurry because we didn't get any sleep. There are no ladies in the picture because we are both married. There was a big head in the shot because it was really very croweded. There is Sam Shepard in the picture because I drank every night (Although not too much and not really every night. In fact only one night, now that I think about it.). The other fellows in the photo are Wim Wenders, Harry Dean Stanton, and the guy (now grown) who played the kid in Paris, Texas.

To the right you can see my updated list of films. I think you can figure out what I saw there. Probably you will have heard of This Film.... It's good in that sloppy Michael Moore sort of way. Oh, you'll be shocked! Shocked! Really. You will be shocked. ...Seasame Street will make you quit your self-serving day job and force you into the non-profit child saving sector. I really liked it. DS and I went to a party hosted by the people who made Flannel Pajamas. Buy me a drink and I'll tell you about the party. Ask about the bloody girl playing the guitar.

Overall, I got 10 hours sleep over three nights. Yeah.

New Post

This is a picture of Ganesha. He's the remover of obstacles. He removes obstacles to success and fortune.



Go Ganesha, go!

Picture him sweeping away doubt and hesitance in the minds of all those development executives. Sweep Ganesha, sweep! Picture him guiding the hands of the lawyers drawing up the contracts. Guide Ganesha, guide! Ganesha delivers six figure deals to those who are kind. Thank you, Ganesha.

The Monkey, the Turkey, and the Wagon

So, I haven't written anything since before Christmas. There are many people and animals to blame for that. I blame Internets. Bastard. I blame this blog. I blame work. And the YMCA. I also blame the internet and email. I blame malaise. I blame Sundance and Sandow. I blame the winds at night and the roiling sea. I blame the doubt and the worry that come in the dark. I blame France and the President and the Vice President and the Democratic Party. I blame the English language. I blame a watch in my car and milk and Ganesh and Durga. Oh god and so much more. There is so much blame to go around.

Now what/who do I thank for support and encouragement?

I thank Sweetie. I thank golf. I thank Otto, Dottie, and Spooky P. I thank Elton Brand. (But I do blame Mark Madsen!) I thank Steve and Suzanne. I thank the Culver City Dynamic Duo. And I thank all my folks on the east side of the LA river. And my Santa Monica and Mid-Wilshire peeps. I thank all living beings and I thank all non-living beings. And I also must thank all non-beings (living or non-living). Thank you. Your support has not gone unnoticed. The work will continue soon. Not today. But soon.

Peace to all beings and non-beings.

Chuck

1. Chuck Norris’ tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.
2. Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
3. Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are
trademarked names for his left and right legs.
4. The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.
5. If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can’t see Chuck
Norris, you may be only seconds away from death.
6. Chuck Norris has counted to infinity. Twice.
7. Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting infers the
probability of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.
8. Chuck Norris is 1/8th Cherokee. This has nothing to do with ancestry, the man ate a fucking Indian.
9. In fine print on the last page of the Guinness Book of World Records it notes that all world records are held by Chuck Norris, and those listed in the book are simply the closest anyone else has ever gotten.
10. There is no chin behind Chuck Norris’ beard. There is only another fist.
11. There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck Norris allows to live.
12. When Chuck Norris goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and instead requests a hand gun and a bucket.
13. Crop circles are Chuck Norris’ way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie the fuck down.
14. Chuck Norris doesn’t churn butter. He roundhouse kicks the cows and the butter comes straight out.
15. If you say Chuck Norris’ name in Mongolia, the people there will roundhouse kick you in his honor.

Thanks to Chander and the many Bothans who died to bring us this...

P.S. Don't forget to Ask Internets .

Winter, Sun

Looking out the window next to the desk where I write, I see a young oak tree across the street. Formerly proud, now after a day of rain he is barren - leafless. But he'll be back.

Now for some real news. I'm going to the Sundance film festival. I wanted to go, but I didn't want to go alone. A month ago I asked a friend of mine if he was going and he was all like, "No. Probably not." So it looked like I wasn't going. Then last week he called me up and said,"Did you still want to go to Sundance?" I was all like,"You bet." So we booked the flights and hooked up some floor space with a fellow that we know who will also be going. It's a "bring sleeping bags" sort of scenario. I am looking forward to it. Mostly I'm going to a) hustle Sandow, b) meet people, and c) see movies. I'm looking forward to it.

The sun is coming back after a gloomy day. Hopefully, I'll be able to get some golf in tomorrow.

Peace.

P.S. Check out the New Feature on the sidebar. I'm keeping track of all the Books, Films and Videos that I watch this year. I'm working right now on reading the Culture sci-fi novels of Iain M. Banks.

New Year

Happy New Year everybody. Please give Internets a hand. He did a wonderful job and we may see him again sometime. Thank you, Internets.

I am sensing huge changes coming this year. Some of those changes had their seeds planted in 2005, and some even earlier. Already two of my co-workers have left our little non-profit, one voluntarily, one not. What these changes mean for me is hard to tell.

I would like to share with you some of the phrases that I'm using this year to keep the energy in and around me flowing in a positive direction:

We always have plenty of money.

I always get paid lots of money for my scripts.

I always acknowledge and follow signs and take advantage of opportunites.

I always get everything I want.

There are a couple of others, but they are more personal and not to be shared with the public. As you can tell I spend time thinking about my writing career and making money. If I spend so much time thinking about these things, I figured, why shouldn't I think about them in a positive way, rather than a negative way? Negativity wasn't doing me much good.

And my primary goal for the year, among (but slightly above) my many others goals, is to write professionally so that I can leave my job.

ASK INTERNETS

Hello, my name is Internets. You can ask me any question and I'll give you an answer.

Stuff on my Frickin' Cat!

I thought all you bloggers might like to see what I'm up against everyday.

Superheroes et al. (Holiday Report – part 2)

Sweetie and I spent a week with my father and step-mother. Activities involved were: golf (only once), hiking (twice), watching TV (every day), eating pie (four times [twice for breakfast!]), [redacted] (twice), hot soak in the rec room hot tub (twice), and eating out (twice). It was a good time and my folks were very generous, but we overstayed by a day or so.

We went out to the links the day after we arrived and I popped my shoulder out on the first tee. It’s an injury that occurs when I’m tired and nervous, haven’t played for a while, feel rushed and haven’t warmed up properly. Some of you may remember that I did the same thing during a golf excursion as part of a certain Las Vegas bachelor party. It hurts and is a bummer. Regardless, I hit some good shots, and ended up having fun. Dad, my stepmom and I tried to go back out the day before we left, but a crazy storm blew in and we decided against it. I have, as you might guess, a desire to compete with my father at golf. The dream of every son is to thrash his old man, and the golf course is our squared circle.

-- Post script to our first day of golfing: there was a pack of teen-agers on a mesa above the course who were shouting mockeries through a PA system at the golfers. For example: "Good show, old bean!" And, " I like your pink shirt." It was very distracting and also totally surreal. --

Sweetie and I drove up to Zion one day. We spotted a Golden-crowned Kinglet and had to stop for an adult deer crossing the road to meet it’s brothers. We hiked up a trail (the Hidden Canyon trail, if I remember correctly), and found ourselves alone hundreds of feet over the canyon. I hung my feet over the drop-off and laid down on the trail. Looking up the vertical walls of the canyon in to the sky I had ten seconds or so of transcendence. Amazing. That’s why people take drugs, man.

We watched Spider-man 2 with the parents and also The Day After Tomorrow, which my dad called “really good science-fiction.” I guess he just wanted us to know that he didn’t endorse the film’s lefty politics.

We ate cherry pie with strawberry ice cream, and pecan pie with whip cream.

[redacted]

The rec room pool was very nice. The “weight room” was a treadmill, a stepper, a stationary bicycle, a small rack of chrome dumbbells and a tower of weight machines assembled, apparently, by Spanish Inquisition. The rec room hot tub was great.

Now, if you get to southern Utah, you must check out the Blue Bunny. Blue Bunny is a sit-down ice cream parlor and so much more. We went there during the “Santa Claus Pajama Party” and, as a former professional Santa, the Blue Bunny Santa is as close as you get to the real thing. This guy was good.

Anyway… There’s so much more to say about the trip. We were visited by the superbeing D-Nyal, whose power to pretend ignorance, regift presents, parrot his evil masters, and self-medicate is far greater than that of moral men. He can only be defeated by the parakeet Paraclete - David Allen Sibley. Thank you, David.

Holiday Report

Writing to you from Utah today. Please enjoy a classic Free Media Report article from a few years ago.

Starbuck Finalizes Uni Deal

LOS ANGELES – Coffee giant Starbucks Coffee Corporation announced today that it has finalized its purchase from Vivendi Universal of subsidiary Hollywood movie studio Universal Pictures.

Howard Shultz, Chairman and Chief of Global Strategies for Starbucks, announced the acquisition today at a board of directors meeting in Seattle. Starbucks bought Universal Studios and its lucrative film library outright for 5.2 billion dollars, nearly half a billion dollars less than the French company spent to purchase Uni from Matsushita in 1995. The move gives Vivendi a much need cash infusion that will help the beliegured company avoid bankrupcy.

Running of the studio will be supervised for Starbucks by current Executive VP of Merchandizing, Marketing and Brand Development, Melvin Hartwang, who will be promoted to Overseer of Studio Operations and will report directly to Shultz. Shultz said that Starbucks has been contemplating a move into the entertaiment industry for some time.

“We have the ability to make more films, cheaper,” Shultz said.
Changes in studio operations, which were outlined in an investor’s packet, include closing down Universal’s offices in Los Angeles, firing all household, clerical and writing staffs and moving essential employees to “film production plantations” in South America, East Africa and Indonesia.

“We can merge our current network of coffee producing real estate with our new film production business quite seamlessly. The cost for us to shoot in Costa Rica versus Los Angeles or even Canada will be pennies on the dollar. Using digital technology, we will be able to pump the footage Stateside for ‘roasting’, and then serve it up fresh at theaters or new micro-theaters in the stores,” Overseer Hartwang said.

When questioned about the ethics of runaway production, Hartwang said only, “Starbucks is very proud of its role as a good corporate citizen and we will continue to act in strict accordance with our own Corporate Social Responsibility Statement.”

Vivendi Chief Jean-Rene Fourtou, who replaced former head Jean-Marie Messier this summer, said after signing the the papers on his yacht anchored off the Grand Cayman Island, “good riddence.”

Starbucks trades on Nasdaq as SUBX and closed up 2 1/2 at 23.25 Friday.

Um, dude, it's take your pick day...

Door Number 1 – Fascism

Door Number 2 – Big Brother

Door Number 3 – Imperialism

I have a coworker who thinks that Bush is going to be impeached after the 2006 midterms. I think that’s wishful thinking, but, god, I’m wishing real hard. What’s scary about the neo-conservative philosophy is that it’s largely based on fear. Fear of poor people, fear of brown skin, fear of The Other. It’s especially hard to take that the White House authorized warrant-less domestic spying on behalf of protecting the people of the United States. His actions make us less American. It’s good that he’s still relatively young. There’ll be plenty of time for him to face the firing squad.

***

I want to throw some crazy props out to J.C. Coates. You are a baller among bloggers. Your stats are amazing. Double doubles on the comment boards. And a behind the back slam dunk with two dead dogs. All net!

RE: my use of “ludacris.”
I just didn’t know how to spell “ludicrous.” And I was too lazy to look it up, but I did know how to spell the rapper's name.

RAVE

As I see from my console, it has been nearly two weeks since my last post. I am sorry to all of you who were looking for some follow up. I sent ME a thank you card. NK is in London for two months. I have a few phone calls to make. One to a pair of writers, the S's (a strictly a get-to-know-you call). Another to an agent, PC, she's reading Sandow. Also to the fellow I ate Thanksgiving dinner with. My friend JTK and I are working on a pilot spec - a ludicris endeavor except for the fact that I know somebody who knows somebody who wants to look at it. I need to write a regular spec to make it fly. I don't have one. I'm thinking Scrubs. DS wants to send out Chronic Psycho after Sundance. That's the summary from the writing front.

Sweetie wants me to tell everyone that I beat her with a foam bat. I have never beat her with a foam bat.

My rave:

I am a huge fan of the redesign of the US currency. I love the new twenties and the overall look of the new bills. Classic with some modernist talking points. But it is in the realm of coinage that the new currency design is really taking flight. The state quarters have been, till now, mostly novelties (with the exception of the gorgeous Connecticut). However, the scheme has come of age with the introduction of the Kansas quarter. The new Kansas state quarter, if you haven't seen it, is beautiful. The usual image of Geo. Washington on the obverse, but on the reverse a humane and amazingly transcendent image of a buffalo among wild flowers of the plains. Absolutely sublime. Simplicity as art. After the confusing, inelegant jumbles of such quarters as (backstabber that I am) California and Minnesota, the Kansas shows the power of coinage as a venue for public art.

In addition, the new 2005 nickels are wonders of cutting edge design. The enlarged and slightly off-set image of Thom. Jefferson on the obverse brings a "cents" of motion to this piece. I particularly enjoy the way the scripted word "Liberty" seems to be flowing out from his mouth. Together with the buffalo reverse (which is a tribute to the original buffalo nickel and which the Kansas quarter evokes) these new nickels show that US currency can be both beautiful and meaningful.

Kudos to the U.S. Mint and the Department of the Treasury!

Out.

No title this week

The “holiday season” has come. Sweetie and I spent a nice day at home. She made pies and I went to the driving range. Then, we took one of Sweetie’s friends up on her invitation to Thanksgiving dinner. Very good food. I missed the traditional formal accoutrement of the holiday celebration, however. Would a table to sit at have been too much to ask for? Also, Sweetie’s friend’s boyfriend was a great and friendly guy, but a screenwriter. He’s made about as much money at it as I have, which is to say not a lot (maybe he’s made a little, I don’t know). Regardless, I almost always feel an awkward jealously thing when meeting other screenwriters. A big plus is that he has the potential to be a golf buddy.

(You thought I was going to get all introspective about my jealousy, but no.)

Typically, this time of year I feel a malaise. An ennui. I get grumpy. Why? Could it be that I don’t like to spend money on others? Maybe. Is it that the sun doesn’t provide the nourishment that it usually does? Could be. Is it lingering memories of my youth? Definitely. It sucks to have to pick which of your parents to spend Christmas with and that stuff sticks with you. (If you’re reading this and you are one of my parents, don’t beat yourself up about it. You did the best you could. I’ve got my issues, and I’m sure you have your issues.) This holiday grumpiness thing will come up in future posts. So be warned. But that's all for today.

Briefly:

- Walter, the guy who lived in his van on the street behind our house, has moved on. His truck and van are both gone. Where did he go? Did he migrate? Did the cops force him to go? I can’t say and I can't say I’ll miss him, but I’ll never forget him. Go with God, Walter.

- I had my meeting with ME at his house. It was cool. He made me coffee and we hung out. Just two writers shooting the bull. He didn’t want to read Chronic Psycho, but I didn’t care.

(Special to Sweetie’s mom, you could also send your support over the ethereal wires for me and DS to sell Chronic Psycho for low against mid to high sixes. [that’s Hollywood talk for “enough money to pay off all of our student loans and have enough left over for half of a house”.])

Chronic Psycho Qu'est Que C'est

The Chronic Psycho reading was last night. Had a good turn out. Sweetie and me were the only ones not to read. The script has come a long way since I batted it around with the other CP, our friend in Singapore. The script is, in descending order, a stoner-comedy-horror-sex film, although it’s clearer to say stoner-horror comedy with a couple short episodes of explicit sex, nudity and phantasmal genitalia.

All the readers were exceptional. People were laughing throughout the reading. Sweetie and I worked hard to set the right tone for the evening. If I had had my druthers it would have been in the afternoon, but it was difficult to find an afternoon that was good for everyone. The trick is that it seemed like it would be a party because it was at night, but really it needed to be more like work, because it is my work. I debated getting some weed for the reading, but ultimately didn’t. I didn’t want to put out alcohol either at first, but we put out some beers and a bottle of wine and it all worked out fine. My big worry was that people would get drunk or high and not have good feedback or not read their parts well. That turned out not to be an issue.

The most gratifying thing was, and this is corny, I know, was that people seemed to be genuinely entertained by the script and to enjoy it.

The next step is to start getting some attention to it. I’ll show it to ME (a big time comedy writer), perhaps he’ll read it. My friend DS is very interested in it, and in fact, he has been a driving force behind its development. He read the first draft and encouraged me to continue to work on it when most of the other comments were ambiguous or reflected confusion with the script. The script had an uneasy birth. Anyway, I believe that DS wants to send it around with the intention of getting it produced. My goal is to get paying work. That’s my mantra: Chronic Psycho brings paying screenwriting jobs.

A Post on "Getting Out There"

So the in the wake of the BigEvent the good work of our little nonprofit continues on. We have liquid assets for the moment so I’m going to buy some nice bookcases for the office. The preparations for next year’s awards begin as box after box of books come in to be judged. That’s why the need for bookcases. I’m also making a lot of phone calls thanking people. Which leads to...

I emailed big deal screenwriter ME (he’s the guy who polished my draft of the BigEvent script) yesterday. We’re going to get together next week for a chat about the “the business.” If I’m lucky he’ll agree to read Chronic Psycho. I’ll also tell him about Not for Profit, a sit-com I worked up last year for a contest. And since he created a sit-com that ran for five seasons he may be helpful. That’s the comedy angle.

I have also emailed RS, a big time working writer who I met at the awards. I asked him if it might be possible to chat. And if he agrees then I’ll ask him to read Sandow. He (and his wife) is completely in line with the “manifesting” and “positive vibration” action that is happening in my life right now. So I feel good about him.

There are two other writers who are also prime targets. I have not quite figured out the correct approach for them. Why I think of Hollywood people as skittish deer, I don’t know. Anyway. I have some comedy writing and some dramatic-period writing. Those are my two prongs.

My Free Will Astrology horoscope said this week, “People with less skill than you have won out because they had more raw drive than you. Now I'm alerting you to the possibility that the same damn thing could happen again soon unless you take vigorous action.”

Whether or not astrology is based in reality or not is something that I don’t want to debate. But let me tell you the truth of the above statement has moved me to vigorous action, and that’s the important thing.

I want to be able to support me and Sweetie (and little Rabbi Jr. when he or she comes along) with my writing.

Also, we are reading Chronic Psycho this weekend at my house. Having a few people over. It's kind of scary to open the thing up like that, but I think it's a great and important step.

BigEvent = Rebirth! (this is part 2, read part 1 first!)

5:30 p.m. The biggest fundraiser of the year approches in an hour and it looks like the eighty page program book will not arrive in time. For all the time and money we spent on it this is a disaster. It also means that the guests won't know what's going on, and the funders won't see their ads. This is a BFD.

I am nearly shivering with nerves. Thankfully our room captain has ordered his minions to move the twenty pound gift bags – did I mention that there were 400 of them? - from the staging area into the ball room. They are also placing them under the seats, a separate job. Didn’t have nearly enough people for this thing. There was no way we could have done it ourselves. It’s hard to get volunteers for the middle of the day on a weekday. Thankfully, Kid and her team of eye-rolling undergrads have done a bang-up job on the silent auction and it is now finished. Unfortunately that also means that they are going up to the room to change. No more help. I see the bag stuffers going up to change into their party clothes as well. I can only hope that my team has stuffed enough bags.

I too must go up the room to change. The thing will start soon. I’m wandering around. Not quite blindly. I made photocopies in the hotel business center. At $2.49 a minute it came to $18. That’ll go on the expense sheet. I need to change. The show must go on. I don’t know when it happened that I became the primary contact with the printer. I think no one else wants to know that the iceberg is coming. So. With Sweetie trailing me, she’s my booster tonight, I decide to go up to the room to change. No tribute/progam book. Failure is pushing her arm down my throat and stirring my insides in preparation of ripping my viscera out through my mouth.

But before I do, I decide to make one last call to the printer. Standing outside the valet parking, surrounded by cocktail dresses and sport coats, I call the printer.

“Can I talk to Jim?” I say.
“He wants to talk to you,” the guy who answers the phone says.
A pause.
“Hey, Rabbi, how’s it going? Did you get the poster and the postcards? I sent them over separately?”
“Yeah, Jim, I got them, thank you. What’s up with the tribute book?”
“I sent it over with two guys. I sent two guys in a white van.”
I look up and rounding the corner is a white van.
“It’s a white van?”
“Yeah, I sent two guys…
The van pulls up next to me, blocking half of the valet parking lane. The driver leans out the window.
“You from the printer?” I ask the driver.
“Yeah,” he says.
“They’re here, Jim. Thank you.”

I hang up the phone and me and one of the guys take half the books inside while the driver directs traffic around his lane blocking double – no triple! – parking job. I hold up the sample book for the event planner. Anuses unclench.

The helper and I go back out. We get the last half of the books.

The rest of the event went off well. I showered and changed. Sweetie ironed my shirt. My god I love her. I went downstairs and helped the PR folks round up photo ops.

The last-minute-script-rewriting board member arrive with an insert page for the MC. She gave it to him. Of course when the program actually started he ignored it.

Also, I ran into NK. (Read my summary of my relationship with NK here.) The first thing he said to me was, “I owe you a phone call.” I was so gratified. He had gotten Sandow but hadn’t yet read it. But he said that he would. I told him how I had been fretting about not contacting him directly when I sent Sandow. “Don’t worry. Just keep sending out your stuff,” he said. It was incredibly heartening.

The program went on. Sweetie and I split a meal. Some of the program was awkward, some of the speeches were blah, but it did tend to get better as it went on. And Gore Vidal has more stagecraft than Madonna. Wonderful.

Wonderful.